Deficiency

Often. I think there's something missing from my life. I've wanted so much yet gotten so little, I, sometime feel depress like now.

Perhaps I don't know how to work for what I want. In fact, I really don't know how to. All my life I have been waiting for things to fall on my lap. If they don't I'll just go for something else or wait.

You see. I'm too stuck in my comfort zone and I refuse to believe it's how a Piscean would behave. I don't want to let something without solid prove on it's existence to define who I am and who I will be. I wanna be myself.

It is so hard to do it when I'm always being compared to another by my family. They tell me I'm lousy and incompetent like so and so. I pull a strong front. However before I sleep, at night, I will ask myself if I'm really like that.

Well, I guess I'm not. I'm me. Aren't I?

When I'm ignored I secretly panic and go, "does she hates me? Have I done something wrong to make them feel that way?" I feel so upset I could cry.

Having realist I can't rely on others for my emotional balance I turned to not creating new success to perk or motivate myself. I turned to shopping.

Hell of a wrong choice. Shopping didn't fill the void for long. It made a hole in my pocket and left me nothing. What did I buy? I don't know.

Up till now I am still trying to save up but my money don't build up.

I thought working part-time at Frolick would help. It didn't. I spent everything I earned away coz my determination could only last 5 seconds.

I have myself to blame.

P/s: I feel my stress abated after typing this post. It's like self-reflection.