Mum told me I've changed; I'm skeptical about what she says, what I asked how was I like she told me I was more obedient. Straight away I assume she's referring to me going out late.
For years I've been trying to change. To be better. To be well-liked. To be love. I tell myself I have to change yet not sure what I've changed into. Only know I feel less happy than before. When I try to change back, I don't know how to.
The only person I know I can get honest reply from is Huili.
Me: My mum told me she missed the old me. How was I like?
Huili: I just woke up.i need time to think about it.
Me: Okay.
Just when I thought she forgot.
Huili: Okay.i'm going to say the truth.might be a little hurtful but no matter what,rmb,i still love you.(: you've changed and everyone does.you seem different,you've become westernised.you lost yourself.this is what i feel.like you're trying to be someone(idk who)you not very chingmei anymore.you used to be so fierce,so funny,but now you're just loud.you used to be so sincere in almost everything,but now idk,you not sincere to yourself.from my point of view now is,you don't really like your bf(idk whether is it updated)but you're still staying with him.so yeap.this should be all.i don't really care if you're offended,cause chingmei wouldn't be.hahahas.love you still.(:
Tell me who the fuck dare/ bother to tell me this.
I am really sick of people around me. Either they don't dare or they don't bother. And when they bother? I get nonsense. I feel no sincerity and they are hypothetic. The reason why they will tell me things is to prove they dare. Same case as you dare a teenage boy telling him, "you don't fucking dare to do it." Then they do it. What's the whole point?
Sugar coating. Proving. Pretense. Insincere.
Can't deny I did those too. I miss my girlfriends. I miss shopping with them. I miss having them reminding who I am, what am I and being myself. I can confirm with you, ask anybody who knows me by Claire, "what kind of person is she?" They can answer you. With all the wrong answer.
I care too much about how people see me, what they think about me, adapting to people, how not to have them dislike me, how to be one of/ like them, how to make myself look good so nobody knows I feel insecure/ upset.
When something goes wrong I look for excuses to cover my ass. Nobody knows but my boyfriend does. And when he points it out, I get pissed and secretly plan a revenge which disappear as soon as it's planned cause I love him.
I turned into a drama queen. I could call and cry over the phone, wallowing in self-pity, apologize about the wrong I did then continue to laugh after I hang up.
The more I talk about myself, the lesser one will know, the further they are from me cause I lie, I dig out shit from my brain to tell them to make them feel for me.
I enjoyed mind fucking people. I enjoyed acting stupid till I realized recently, I've gotten so used to this whole pretending to be a better person or someone else shit, I forgot how to use my brain. I forgot myself. Now I'm fucked. I fucked my own brain.
You call this karma don't you? Yes I know that.
And I stopped using vulgarities because I wanna look nice. I wanna make my folks happy. I don't wanna be judged. Obviously, I don't care right now. I know I am not going to use it t at the wrong time.
Once I do something wrong, I can't let myself go. I keep blaming myself, telling myself, "I knew it. Why did I still do it? *gives a feel good excuse to cover ass* Damn that's an excuses I know it." They accumulate along the way. Gets heavier as time past. When I meet a problem, they surface. I cry.
Don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself. I'm merely lost.
Floating in the air.
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